How can parents re-engage their kids in spiritual conversation? That just might be a topic that draws attention from the one hell-bent on destroying what we are attempting to see God do at The Springs. In our society, our adversary appears to have a hold on the family dynamic, but we believe that God has not given up on the family and neither will we.
I mentioned yesterday (listen to yesterday's message here) that we would be discussing our various victories in either sharing spiritual conversations with our kids, or conversations that you and I remember having with our parents. We are not looking for the details as much as what made the conversations possible - why were you able to have a conversation with your parents and why do you think your kids listen to you?
All of us need some help in this area, so if you consider yourself good at it, don't check out. We need your advice. If you consider yourself a dunce, hang in there because most of us feel this way and we want to walk this road together.
I believe that the biggest item for success that you must have in your tool kit is: TIME. You must be available. I have heard so many people say, "It's not quantity, it's quality. I spend quality time with (insert name here)." I beg to differ. There may be some modicum of truth to that, but in relationships, I don't believe you can have quality time with another human being unless you have spent a large quantity of time with them.
ReplyDeleteRelationships aren't like a recipe for a food dish where you gather the best ingredients and mix them together in just the right way, easily repeating the same process every time you do it, success being assured becasue you have 'the recipe'. It's more a process like painting: a much more time intensive labor that includes trial and error, erasing and redoing, perfection never being achieved.
Be willing to let them interrupt your agenda with what is important to them, and never diminish their issues by comparing them against yours and judging them to be small or silly.
Two places come to mind when I think of re-connecting with my kids. One is at the dinner table. We don't get to eat every meal together, like my family growing up, but we strive to eat together at least 3 nights out of the week. Depending on the season, it may be more, it may be less. We try to turn off the tv, we sit at the table (not in front of the tv, although sometimes we do break that rule), and we re-connect with one another. I've noticed that maybe the conversations aren't always that deep, but there's a change in the kids--they are lighter, happier; they tend to be more playful with one another, and with us. We end up laughing a lot. It's one of the few times a week that we all make eye contact.
ReplyDeleteThe car is also the place to re-connect and have conversations, both spiritual and non-spiritual. Although, our teenager would probably prefer the radio on, I don't usually turn it on, or if it's on, it's down low. Conversations usually start slow, but if I ask "un-obvious" questions, they eventually happen. (We also strive to keep the dvd player OFF, unless we are on a long trip--and then, we limit its use. The kids just don't expect it to be on while in town. And don't argue that your little ones--or even big
ones--can't live without it--we've raised our kids without a dvd player in our car, until just recently. Your kids, and you, can be re-conditioned to not rely on the dvd player so much.)
We also pray with our kids at night. I will admit that as they get older, it's easier to quit this habit because they can put themselves to bed. But, I've realized that the older ones desire it and like it as much as the younger ones. The older ones may even need it more than the younger ones!
We have 2 kids, and they are very different. One is a talker and one is not. With the talker, we can just use the direct approach. Sit down, ask a question, and it all comes out. But with the other one it's different. It usually starts with a conversation at dinner or something that is fairly frustrating to me because he doesn't respond much. But I've learned to be patient. If I remain available, he'll start talking at some time later when he's ready--maybe at bedtime, maybe when we're together somewhere just the two of us. So you have to know your kids, and you have to be available more often than just when you decide it's time to talk. If I only talked with our "non-talker" when we had a family discussion, I would get almost nothing out of him.
ReplyDeleteGreat comments...it's clear that some of us are finding opportunities and places to "talk" to our kids...I really think 90 percent of our battle is won in intentionality. I went to college and learned about people (4 years), and to seminary to learn about ministry (3 years), but I haven't put in near the amount of study to being a parent and connecting with my kids. I am just now learning the value of reading, listening and studying how to be a better parent. If anyone has some helpful resources, let us know.
ReplyDeleteI have a great story of a time in the car with my teenage son. We were having one of those o-so-productive, not-so-inspired MOM conversations that went something like this: "You know, you really should... [fill in the blank: work out to get in shaper for football season, spend quiet time, do a study].... all those brilliant 'shoulds' that I make the mistake of heaping upon my unsuspecting captive audience. He responded with, instead of the usual eye roll, excuse, or 'whatever,' he said, "Yeah, Mom. You're right. I really do need to do that. I'm gonna set up a schedule or something." I suspiciously asked him if this was one of those 'yeah, yeah, yeah mom, tell her what she wants to hear so she'll go away' lines. He looked at me directly and said, "Gosh, Mom!!! Why can't it just be that I'm submitting to your authority?? I'm trying to do that more, in case you hadn't noticed!"
ReplyDeleteNeedless to say, I was floored. Come to think of it, he HAD been rather agreeable lately. Maybe some of that stuff we've been talking about is really sinking in. He's actually APPLYING what he's been hearing (eavesdropping)! We process our adult junk from daily life that we struggle with when we have a boss, or someone in authority that we don't necessarily agree with, but decide to obey God in the act of submission, just because He said so!
So, what did I take from this foot-in-mouth parenting experience? A brand new respect for his application of God's word, and a great dose of encouragement to those exhausted pre-school parents who think they'll NEVER see the fruit of their labors.
My husband has begun a tradition of scheduling one-on-one time with each of our three kids at least twice a month, on average. He takes our daughter out, and deliberately treates her like a special little lady, opening her doors, including her car door (he always does mine, and they notice) so that she will have high expectations for her dates and the level of respect for her that she is accustomed to. They talk, and hang out and just do dad-girl stuff. He takes the teenager for Starbuck's once or twice a week so they can hang out, talk about what's on his mind, or discuss a study. Sometimes the kid has to prepare questions for Dad about spiritual/LIFE stuff that he'd like to get Dad's take on. Many a heavy life stuff has been examined in the Stbks across from his school. The middle one would rather be less formal...just along for the grocery shopping trip, or the drop - off at Goodwill haul, and the like....or he will wander in, mid-stream of consciousness, talking about the present thing that's on his mind.
I guess we just have to stand ready, watch for the moments, and catch them before they pass.