Core Virtue::Gentleness

We are thoughtful, considerate and calm in dealing with others.

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
Philippians 4:5

The creed gives us three aspects of gentleness:

• Thoughtful. Gentleness involves that crucial moment of thought before action. It is not impulsive or reactionary. It is the grace of stopping and thinking before rushing in.
• Considerate. Gentleness, like many of the virtues, has a relational component. It is not just about an inner quality of one's character, but about relationships with others. Gentleness is the ability to consider the impact of my words and actions on the people around me.
• Calm. Gentleness is the ability to remain calm in circumstances that are anything but calm. Gentle people calm an atmosphere, whereas non-gentle people (like me) tend to stir it up.

One of the difficulties I've had over the years with this and other Christian virtues is understanding how they relate to gender. I know I'm not alone in this: I, like many other men, have considered the virtues to be primarily feminine traits. If a man believes this, he begins to think that the process of becoming more like Christ is the process of becoming more like a woman, and that's not very appealing to men (we love women, but we don't want to be one). This misperception is often reinforced by clergy, the church's physical environment, and by well-meaning Christian women, creating a snowball effect. One day you wake up, and the church is a particularly female organization, with involvement and de facto leadership being more femine than masculine; Bible study is a women's outing; depictions of Jesus are, well, less than manly; and you're contstantly being asked to sit still, wear nice clothes, be nice, share your feelings...and be gentle. All of Christianity starts to look like one of those quilted Bible covers with lace around the edges, and the men are just waiting to shed the tie, do something physical, and drink a beer.

This is all, of course, a very warped and inaccurate view of Christ, the Christ-life, and the church. The 10 core virtues, in their true expressions, are no more or less prevalent in men or women, but are the result of remaining in Christ. And when they are visible in a person's life, those who see them don't think of how masculine or feminine they are. They think of how much like Christ that person is becoming, as either a woman or a man.

Gentleness is related to the following core beliefs: Identity in Christ, Humanity, Compassion

Gentleness is related to the following core practices: Prayer, Single-Mindedness, Biblical Community

Parenting this virtue:

Generally speaking, kids learn gentleness to the degree that they experience it. Conversely, if they are parented harshly, they generally treat others harshly. But there is a third option, and this is where the distinction between the true virtue of Gentleness and what is often mistaken for gentleness becomes important. Children who experience gentleness learn to be gentle men and women; children who experience coddling, smothering, indulgence, and other pseudo forms of gentleness learn to be selfish and take advantage of others.